Looking back at my posts, I am realizing that my past comes up a little more than I thought. That is neither here nor there, I am just making an observation. I do find it interesting though…I practice living in the present, but maybe my past will always be lingering in my life. Since I believe that our cells hold memory, I guess it will…or can you totally shed and renew cell memory..??? I don’t know the answer to this question. I do know that I am finding balance between past experiences and living in the here and now.
I will preface this blog by saying, I don’t know why, but I was on the verge of crying all last weekend. Sunday rolled around and I had things I wanted to do, but my body wanted to nap. So, I honored my body and took a nap. During my nap I had a vivid day terror about being molested when I was younger. When I woke up, some distant memories from that time in my life, that I thought I had forgotten about, flooded my mind. I wrote them down while tears flowed out of my eyes. It was very cathartic. I don’t think that the details of my past are pertinent to share in this moment. What I want to share is that life is a continual evolution of learning, processing and healing in order to create peace within. As these deep rooted memories were coming up, I could feel them on a visceral level. I could feel my body contracting like it did when I was younger, during those times when I was being molested. Today, in 2016, while I was feeling those past dense emotions, I was able to consciously relax my body while focusing on my breath. I could literally feel the fear, anger and sadness move through me, integrate and then change into another energy form. I continued crying, A LOT! I believe that to live genuinely from my heart, I need to open from the trauma that was the catalyst for me putting a wall around my heart. I did that for protection and now that wall is coming down! I no longer need it! Taking space to heal and process trauma and past experiences that we store in our body is crucial for coming into the heart centered world. Knowing this helps me to have strength and gratitude. I am so grateful for this deeper healing experience and the strength to share my process with you so that you know you are not alone. Hopefully, you will gain some insight on how you can begin to nourish peace inside of you. Slowing down to feel everything that arises in your body will keep your energy flowing so it does not store up and become toxic.
What did I do next, after acknowledging a part of my inner wounded child, writing and crying? I did what comes naturally to me, I CLEANED! It is one of the ways I move energy. Or maybe it is a way to control my surroundings. Because, when those deep rooted emotions arise, I feel a sense being out of control. Intellectually, I know I am never in control anyway, but I am learning to let go, surrender and trust. It is all baby steps for me. I need space to integrate and process. That is the “doing and allowing,” that I was talking about in my previous blog, “Nunsuch nonsense.”
I am not surprised that these past memories came up. I continually ask for guidance on how to open my heart more fully to loving and accepting all of me so that I may live in peace. I am so grateful I have the space for allowing this to happen in my life. It enables me to help cultivate peace on earth.
Sometimes, we do these things for survival, like pushing our emotions away, shutting down, putting up a wall around our heart. I am not saying this is “wrong.” I am saying that when you get a chance, take space to feel your emotions that you have locked away as a means of survival. Be kind to yourself so you may begin receiving life experiences with an open heart and mind. You might say you, “I don’t have the time!” or “How can I with kids, work and all of the other commitments I’ve made in my life?!” I invite you to START MAKING A COMMITMENT TO YOURSELF! Nobody can force you to feel your emotions. Only you can process your emotions, feel them and let them flow through you. There really is nothing more important. Taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for you, everyone in your life and the planet.
Nurturing peace within is an ongoing process. A process which I believe is worth every teardrop to live in peace and harmony with all beings on earth. As I have said before, peace begins with me. Peace begins with each and every one of us. Loving and accepting ALL OF YOU will cultivate peace in your body which will then, in turn, be creating peace on the planet. To do this, you must be dedicated to feeling ALL of your emotions. When those traumatic memories arise, which open the door to stored emotions, which feel so overwhelmingly dense and like you may explode with fear, sadness or anger, know you are not alone! Remember that emotions are energy in motion and will continue to move. Take the space you need to allow your feelings to be felt, hug a pillow, scream, go on a walk, dance, cry and most importantly BREATHE. Listen to your body, if you need help, ask someone for help. There are many resources and people available for support no matter what has happened or is happening in your life.
♥ much love and light
Resource for helping those who have experienced or are experiencing any form of sexual abuse: https://www.rainn.org/index.php